Why I told Nick I was engaged

No, I was not engaged, but I did have a lot of men who would easily wed me.  I was so infuriated with Nick.  Never had someone ended a relationship with me the same way he had just done.  And I never hurt as much as this time.  I figured if I told Nick I was already engaged to another man he would lose some of the power.  I would regain some of it because I was able to move on and not be all caught up in him.  If I could prove this to him then he would believe that he was foolish in thinking he had me when in reality no one owns me.  Now, I didn't just create this out of thin air.  The month prior, when I was still with Nick an admirer did propose to me.  The only difference with this was I scoffed at him and declined the offer.  If I wanted to make Nick feel insignificant it wouldn't be too difficult.  As I have stated before, I do not like being perceived as weak.  Not being able to move on proves weakness.  My whole persona is captured around a strong, single, independent woman.  I do not like sharing my feelings and the fact that I shared them with Nick and he threw them to the wayside is completely embarrassing.  I know what he thinks of me: I am selfish and uncaring, but that's not all me.  I have my moments but I can be genuine.  The fact that I was genuine with Nick made me mad, so to be able to gain some assertiveness I told Nick he wasn't the only one in my life.

Why I cheated

There is much speculation surrounded my golf career and whether or not I cheated.  I refuse to admit defeat.  That is my weakness; I hate the feeling when I know someone thinks I am weak.  There was one goal for me during that tournament and it was to win, there was no way I was leaving without a first place.  In the moment it was worth it and it still is because that is what I've been working to practically my whole life.  I do have a feeling though that in my elder years I will wish I did not cheat.  As for now though, no one knows I did because all the accusations were rescinded and the whole deal is just blown over with.  Whenever there has been a task whether in the social ladder, the male specimen, the athletics or money I become ruthless.  Cheating makes me feel alive because I'm living on the edge you could say and if I were to be caught it would liven things up a bit.  Not only does it liven things up but it is a strategy.  People are aware of how difficult playing by the rules can be, but when you are in front of so many breaking the rules it becomes more of a challenge.  Not necessarily a challenge to win (even though that is the end goal) but a challenge to not be caught.  Life is boring without a couple rule breakers, and the only thing I cheated in here was a golf tournament, I did not cheat someone out of their life's work or money.  I didn't ruin any lives, and besides I was the likely candidate to win anyway so no one was affected greatly in my winning.

What I was feeling when... I met another bad driver

Ever since I got to know Nick I knew I had found someone who wasn't dishonest and was straightforward.  When our relationship continued I realized I had met the bad driver that Nick warned me about.  The only thing he didn't warn me about was that he was that other bad driver.  And now neither of us are safe.  When I last talked to Nick on the phone and he was brutal I wasn't used to it.  It hurt me to be treated like that.  I felt wounded, no one had wounded me before and I wasn't pleased with the feeling.  I had opened up more to him than most and so that was probably why I tore me up so much.  However, I'm a big girl and I get over things pretty quickly.  Now I just despise the man.  I couldn't give a rat's ass about what he does anymore because I'm over him.  And boy, am I happy to know I'm over him and there's a long line of candidates already waiting their turn.  I'm delighted knowing that I will be able to move on just as quickly or more so.  He doesn't know what he is missing really, and I don't see why he wouldn't miss me.  Oh and that comment about lying to himself, jeez, that made me mad.  Who does he think he is to try and make me seem less than what I really am.  Whatever, I felt relieved after that talk.  Yes, I was furious and sad for a time but now I do not care, I feel free to do what I want and the sense of relief knowing I don't love anyone anymore is overwhelming and I just love it.

What I was feeling when... I knew Daisy couldn't go back

Gatsby had already spilled the beans.  Why he came out and just blatantly said that Daisy never loved Tom was what really surprised me.  Daisy knew what she had just gotten herself into and how angry Tom would be whether she answered or not.  She looked at me with a sort of appeal.  I was unsure exactly what it was.  In that moment I felt happy for her though; happy and sad.  She was about to get what she always longed for and had never stopped loving. I knew that she could break away from Tom because he had not been a welcoming husband for the past couple years.  I was sad for Daisy because there was no way she was getting out of this unscathed.  In the end she was going to crush one of them.  Not only would she crush one of them but she was about to crush part of herself with whatever decision she made and that right there crushed me.  Whether it be Tom or Jay, they both loved her, arguable one more than the other but one of them was about to have their lives changed.  Daisy never meant to hurt anyone; she just wanted to not be torn between two men.  Not only was I myself happy and sad for her, I was also afraid.  Afraid of Tom.  Tom showed aggression and he was never one to be too gentle with things.  If Daisy were to choose Jay in this very moment I can only wonder what he might do to either of them.  I wish I could do something and stop what could ensue. Even though I've never felt this towards Daisy because I've always been contempt with myself, but I also envied her in this very moment.  She knew what she wanted and was about to get it.  I cannot seem to find anyone and love them the way she loved or loved one of these two men right here.  

What I was thinking... When Gatsby Requested Me

I was just sitting there, with Nick, and the butler interrupts my train of thought about how idiotic some of these women looked drooling all over specific men.  Probably for the best anyway because I tend to not be so much of an endearing critic.  But when the butler told me that Gatsby wanted to speak privately with me, so many thoughts raced through my mind.  All the way from brunches, to sex.  Because even though I had taken an interest in Nick, only slightly, but an interest nonetheless, Gatsby was irresistible.  No way was I going to stay out in the open watching these inebriated men and women fool around.  So I stood up, gave nick a eyebrow raise and walked on.  The walked seemed long, very long.  It gave me lots of time to think about what was in store for me.  I wonder what he looks like in standing alone in his room waiting for me.  I can only imagine him in his nice clean cut suit with his fresh cut.  Oh yes, that suit.  I've always been a fan of suits.  The ties really make it because I can control the men.  I just now realized how much I admired Gatsby, now I knew I never understood him.  The man was so secretive.  What could he possibly want to talk about?  Maybe a business deal, who knows I could not only be a famous golfer, but make millions in some stock with Gatsby.  We'd make an unstoppable team.  With his and my determination, as well as his money and wits we'd make a fortune.  Not only would he be a huge help but I know people’s dark sides, and boy would I be able to do some convincing.  I'd be on every corner, and everyone would know my name for more than what it is now.  Ugh, doubtful, I bet it's something like "Please stay late and clean up".  What am I thinking, the man is a gentleman, and no way would I be forced to do that.  Oh well, better to keep your expectations low.  As I approached the door I felt some slight regret for all my thoughts about previously wanting to jump Jay.  Nick was here, just waiting for me to come back and all I did was give him an eyebrow raise.  

What I was thinking... When I first met Nick

When I first saw Nick and he walked into the room I had occupied, I was amused.  I had been doing nothing all day and a new face was intriguing for me.  However, Lord knows I would never show it to him.  Hopefully he never noticed that I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.  There was no way that I would show interest because that shows weakness.  I never show weakness, hell, I don't even sweat during my tournaments.  I thought for a while about how he would be fun to play with.  And boy did I liked my fun.  I mean I had needs I had to attend to, so not all of it was "selfish".  Even though I knew he was Daisy's cousin I wondered how related they really were to each other.  First, or second? I don't know. And who cares anyway; at least he's not related to me.  Oh god no, Daisy said my name, so rather then acting as though I didn't hear I glanced over--but just slightly.  A quick nod would do so once that was finished I went back to ignoring them.  He looked so uneasy.  I feel like I have that effect on people a lot though.  It's my confidence and my alluring nature though, men don't know how to act around formidable women--at least the weak ones.  And here they go, talking about Daisy again.  Boy, does that girl thrive on compliments.  I don't need compliments, I already know what people think of me, at least what men think of me.  Now I just need to figure out what Nick thought of me.